My Fellow Americans

by Nick Delonas

My fellow Americans. As a man of distinguished intellect and unimpeachable erudition, I am impelled to remark upon the lamentable circumstance that has befallen our great nation. The audacious depredations of the flying squirrel, pilfering our hosiery under cover of darkness, has caused no small amount of consternation amongst the more fastidious members of our society.

It is imperative, therefore, that we devise a stratagem of sufficient complexity and sophistication to counteract this pestilent incursion. The manifold elements of this undertaking shall include, inter alia, a thoroughgoing campaign of surveillance utilizing the most advanced technological apparatus at our disposal. A corps of operatives possessing the requisite training and acumen shall be deployed with the utmost discretion to effectuate the liberation of our coveted footwear.

In addition, I propose a national program of moral suasion designed to inculcate the virtues of frugality and self-restraint. We shall endeavor to lead our citizens, by example and exhortation, to a state of ascetic discipline that shall render the prospect of sock theft anathema to the scrupulous mind.

It shall be no small task, my fellow countrymen, but I am confident that, with sagacity and steadfastness, we shall prevail. I commend to you the prudence and sapience of this plan and offer you the assurance of my unwavering commitment to its realization.

Good night and good fortune.

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